Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Day 29: From The Beginning....

I decided to get some rest after not having slept for 3 days straight.
Or actually my sweetheart boss and her hubby instructed me to leave the ICU and come home with them to freshen up and get some sleep.
I was in a total daze.
I was just going through the motions.
You know how loss and grieving has 5 stages.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
But grief is as unique as you are.
We all grief differently.
I was definitely going through denial.
This was just a crazy nightmare and my husband would wake up and we would go home together and live happily ever after.
In the meantime I left him in his coma because all the doctors told me he was never going to wake up again.
It was now up to me to permanently end his journey on this planet and pull the plug.
I am a very big procrastinator and avoid confrontation at all cost.
I left to let his mother and kids have alone time with him.
Little did I know that his mother took the power in her hands.
I can't blame her and I actually think she did me a favor by doing "my dirty work" for me.
Also I fully realize that she put him into this world so she had the power to take him out.
She pulled the plug while I was gone.
Erik's mother and his kids stayed at a hotel and I never saw them.
I could't face them, I just needed to be alone.
They wanted to stay at our house but the thought of having others sleep where Erik slept and/or walk where he took his last steps made me nauseous. I know that sounds silly but in my mind that's all I had left of him.
Gosh I haven't cried or got teary eyed for a long time but now while writing this I can feel these horrible feelings again.
......To Be Continued....

No comments:

Post a Comment