Monday, November 28, 2016

Day 46: From The Beginning....

I am going to Amsterdam (Holland) this coming Thursday December 1st, 2016.
Excited to hug my parents, sister & my friends back home.
I always get a bit nervous before trips because I just love being home and comfy and safe with my hubby here in sunny California.
I know it is going to be a long flight (15hrs), 2 planes and it's going to be cold ....burrr....
If there is something I dislike with a passion in life, that will be cold weather.
I left my home country mainly because of the cold climate.
Also for some reason I still associate Holland with my deportation and becoming a widow.
When I got deported from America (mentioned in one of the previous blogs).
I obviously wasn't allowed back in America for like 5 years (Thank God in my case 3 years).
Because now I was on a so called "Black List".
I don't know about you, but I have always been "kind of" a rebel and when you tell me I can't go somewhere, I want to go even more.
I traveled within Europe to find a "Home" like America to me, but to no avail.
So I always have that fear of not being "allowed" back in.
Of course now I am a Permanent Legal Resident with a Green Card which is forever good and with the option of applying for The American Passport and becoming an American Citizen.
Which I will apply for next year.
It just cost a lot of money and you got to pass a test.
I have a big fear of tests.
But it is what it is and I am very grateful that I have that opportunity.
The reason that I associate Holland with becoming a widow is because I had booked a flight to Amsterdam a few days prior to my late husband's death.
I remember praying to God before my trip: "Please God, let something happen so that I don't have to go and leave my husband for the next 2 weeks."
I just didn't want to go without my late husband but he had to stay home in Beverly Hills to take care of our Business.
This time around my darling husband John has to stay home close to the plane, because he's a private jet pilot and on call.
I know all this fear is just in my head and I have been working on myself by journaling, meditating, blogging, reading, listening to podcasts.
So hopefully this time around I can control my emotions and just enjoy the moment.
.....To Be Continued.....

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Day 45: From The Beginning....

When someone calls me a Pretty Princess, I have never taken that as a compliment.
Of course it all depends in what context it is meant.
First off we all know that a Pretty Face is nothing if you have an ugly heart.
People who are attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won't be by your side forever.
But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.
You know as a little girl, much like lots of little girls I watched the shows with the princess and of course always wished for that kind of life.
I mean lets keep it real here!
Who doesn't want to look beautiful and dress beautifully and live in a pretty home and drive a fabulous car and usually/normally it takes money to purchase some of these things.
A Princess/Prince normally has this kind of funding.
So yes I am in! Where do I sign up hahahaha.
Growing up I always figured, "you know what?" If I treat myself as a Queen/Princess and if I see myself that way, I will most likely attract a King/Prince.
And that is exactly what happened to me in my life.
Because what you focus on begins to grow.
Don't get me wrong I had to kiss some frogs and weed out all the bad guys.
My first Prince Charming passed away as you know from the beginning of my story.
He was young and I was young.
I did not believe that that was the end of my love story.
I was down and sad and broken and hurt.
But I did NOT give up and I started looking for another Prince Charming because I knew I was worth it.
Of course rejection was a big part of my journey.
It still is. Its life!
Rejection doesn't mean you aren't good enough; it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer.
.....To Be Continued.....

Friday, November 25, 2016

Day 44: From The Beginning....

Today, as I am writing this, it has been almost 2 years ago since we got married.
John & I spend a lot of time together because he only flies like 80 hrs out of the year as a private jet pilot and I fly maybe 2 wks out of every few months as a Corporate Flight Attendant for private jets as well.
So John and I are together a lot and we wouldn't want that any other way.
Life is really great and I can honestly say that I have everything that my heart desires.
Yes sometimes I wonder why I lost my first husband and baby.
But that is just my life story and life goes on.
I don't dwell on the past but learn and grow instead.
John and I live in sunny California and have a dog Dobby (16 lbs terrier) and a cat DumbDumb (who is no DumbDumb).
John golfs a lot and I hike and run a lot.
I started my own Meet Up Group called Fit & Fabulous and got like 300 Fit & Fab ladies so far.
I schedule events for myself and then just post it on my Meet Up group.
So far I have made some amazing friends.
In a week I am going to my home country Holland to visit my family and friends.
I'll blog about it and I will keep a daily journal.
My daily routine consists of some sort of exercise, meditation, blogging and journaling.
Yesterday John and I celebrated Thanks Giving at our Country Club Shadowridge.
John golfed and I rode around in the golf cart with him while snapping pix of our beautiful surroundings.
Afterwards we enjoyed a delicious Thanks Giving dinner.
It was great to see how much John is loved over there.
One of his golf buddies chatted with us while we were enjoying some mimosas and he said after I asked him why his wife didn't text me back: "my wife doesn't really like pretty princesses"
Huh? ....To Be Continued......

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Day 43: From The Beginning....

So, our first date never ended.
John & I just both knew when we met that we were The One for each other.
In life, you just know it or not.
Love is about timing but it is also about chemistry and a lot of other things.
We all look at life from our own perspective.
Based on our experiences.
Back to the story.
John & I went to his home after Benihana.
We both agreed to no "hanky panky" and just continuing to getting to know each other.
It became kind of like a sleep over with your best friend.
We both agreed that if/when we got tired of each other, John would drive me home or he would just drop me off at the train station hahahaha.
To this day when we hear a train that is a inside joke.
Like I better behave or John put my ass on the train.
So we lived with each other at his home in Carlsbad and I rented out my studio back in Beverly Hills.
After 1 year we got married and to this day that has been the best decision I've ever made.
John's parents flew here from Louisiana and we got married at the local court house.
It wasn't really romantic, it was more like, take a number like at the DMV.
But it was exactly what we both wanted.
John never really proposed but we discussed it and agreed on it all.
His parents shed some tears and that was really sweet.
I even got a flower crown, kind of like Jesus Christ.
But it looked ridiculous, it was way too big and over the top.
That's kind of how I roll though.
I always have the tendency to overdress.
This always looks silly on me because I am already a tall blonde with big real boobies and a tiny waist so I never really blend in, even though I really want to.
At the end of the day, we are very happy and proud that we didn't waste money on a big wedding because you know what? It is about our love for each other and not about showing off how much money we can spend.
......To Be Continued......

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Day 42: From the beginning...

Now we were driving from Beverly Hills to Carlsbad (San Diego county), this was the perfect way to chat and get to know each other better.
I remember getting a text from one of my girlfriends Nina, she just wanted me to confirm that I was okay because she knew that John would pick me up that day for our first date.
She had warned me that I was taking a risk by getting in his car and not knowing where he would take me.
Yes of course she was so right.
Better safe than sorry.
We all hear and see horror stories on the news.
I have always followed my gut and trusted my instincts.
I was sharing my thoughts with John after I received Nina's text and he said, 'lets entertain this a bit and text Nina back and tell her that you are tied up in the trunk."
I did, and Nina replied, but wait how come you can still text while you are tied up in the trunk?"
I replied that he forgot to take my phone from me.
Now looking back I realize this wasn't so funny to her, as it was to us.
She texted me that she was going to call the cops.
Quickly I assured her that I was just kidding and I was perfectly safe and John was a true Southern Gentleman.
Nina, got mad at me and didn't talk to me for a while.
I totally understand her response and apologized to her.
Now we are all good again.

We arrived in Carlsbad and went for dinner to John's favorite restaurant Benihana.
Our whole first date just felt so natural and kind of like we knew each other all of our lives.
It really is true that when you meet your soulmate, you just know.
It's like a truck hits you head on.
It just feels natural and you can be yourself.
So, let me tell you how our first date ended.
....To Be Continued......

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Day 41: From The Beginning.....

So as you know, John and I had not seen each other Face to Face in person.
And there is such a thing as chemistry, I don't know if this counts for Skype/Face Time as well.
We had lots of chemistry on Skype and Face Time.
Now we were going to meet each other in person, I was super nervous.
Don't forget he had to drive 2 hrs at least, don't forget traffic in LA, from San Diego.
I remember asking John while we were Skyping/FaceTiming to stand on a chair, so I could see his body type.
He was skinny but perfect.
I have always struggled with being skinny myself.
Don't get me wrong, I have never been overweight but I had to work at it.
I was married before to an obese man and his children & ex-wife had this issue as well.
Health & Fitness have always been very important to me.
Okay back to the story.
After trying to coordinate a time, because John is a private pilot and it is always hard for him to commit because he has to stay close to the plane which is in San Diego.
He actually got a call for a trip last minute, after he had set up a time to drive to me, but thankfully that trip got canceled.
Gosh, I remember when I walked outside my studio to meet him in person.
He was wearing a red sweater and dark blue jeans.
I was super duper nervous and a bit standoffish.
And yes I thought his legs were so skinny, he could break.
Now years later he's still skinny, but healthy skinny.
You know how married men are usually healthier because we feed them better than they can feed themselves. 
I had packed a little backpack because we had not decided on a return date hahaha.
Also I had Airbnb renters arriving soon.
So we got in his big truck and took off.
Off to Carlsbad CA (San Diego county).
.....To Be Continued....

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Day 40: From The Beginning....

This is where my life started again after being a widow for a couple of years.
We all grief differently but I never wanted to be alone.
Some people need to be alone for a while after a loss and don't get me wrong I was alone for long enough.
You know in life, you still grow even when you are in a relationship.
And that's what life is all about.
You need to train your brain daily and grow.

So, this one day while I was browsing POF (Plenty Of Fish) dating website, I stumbled upon this handsome guy with the most gorgeous blue eyes and such a genuine smile.
I favorited him, he returned the favor and favorited me.
I sent him a little message and he replied immediately.
We started messaging each other back and forth.
He asked if I had an accent, you know being from Holland that would be normal, so I said yes.
He said that he had an accent.
A Southern accent, because he was from Louisiana.
He also told me that yes he lived in Carlsbad (San Diego county) but because he was a pilot he was traveling a lot.
At the time we met he was in Dallas for his yearly recurrent Pilot Training.
I was staying at my girlfriend Stacey's house in Culver City while I was renting out my studio through Airbnb.
John & I started texting,  talking on the phone, Face Timing and Skyping.
For the next 10 days we were keeping in touch daily and even several times per day.
To be honest pretty much all day every day & night.
Of course he had training and I went on daily walks while I was making money renting out my place.
10 days we chatted and got to know each other pretty well.
I remember like it was yesterday.
We woke up talking to each other, we had our breakfast together, we laughed together, we cried together, had drinks together, we fell asleep while skyping, we saw/heard each other snore.
Gosh we established this deep and strong foundation that way.
Finally he flew home after his training was completed and we decided he was going straight home to freshen up and change clothes and then he was going to jump in the car and drive from Carlsbad to Beverly Hills to take me out for dinner. Our first actual date. Face to Face.
To Be Continued......

Monday, November 14, 2016

Day 39: From The Beginning...

After losing my husband and my baby to death, I was praying to God daily, even though I was disappointed in God.
Playing the blame game is also one of the things you do while grieving.
Every day I was working on myself and healing myself by reading the bible and  lots of different books and listening to podcasts.
While hiking/walking daily for hours on end.
I was renting out my studio while crashing at friends homes.
I was also back to the drawing board with dating.
I am a horrible dater.
Kind of like the lady out of the movie Fatal Attraction (Glenn Close was the actress her name i think).
Remember when she boiled a bunny alive to get the attention of her lover?
I am very intense with dating and pretty much anything in life for that matter.
When I meet a guy, I immediately wonder if he's The One.
I want to move in with him the next day and I really got no patience.
Instant gratification is a big one in my book.
I want it all or nothing.
Dating became a full time job for me.
I did not want to be alone anymore.
I knew there was a special guy for me out there.
Gosh I went on morning breakfast dates, coffee dates, lunch dates, dinner dates etc.
I was gonna weed them out and quick.
Finally I started looking a bit further from my zip code 90210.
I started looking in San Diego on POF the dating website.
I stumbled upon this handsome looking guy, with the most gorgeous blue eyes.
His profession said Pilot.
He was tall, skinny, 3 years younger than me and a typical all American guy.
I favorited him.
He favorited me.
.....To Be Continued......

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Day 38: From The Beginning....

Before I met my now amazing husband, I had to go through one more nightmare.
I had met him on a dating site and he was super duper religious.
I was born and raised Protestant, so yes I believe and I had no problem with him being so religious.
But of course like everything in life, to much of anything is never a good thing.
He was very judgmental and yes we all are to a certain extend.
I mean, lets be real, we all judge ourselves the minute we wake up and look at ourselves in the mirror,  saying; "oh gosh my hair looks horrible today, or I really look fat today etc etc.
So yes we judge ourselves and others because we are still human and we all have flaws.
He took his religion to a whole other level.
Waking up daily, starting of reading the bible and praying, listening to religious music and pretty much all day carrying the bible with him wherever he went.
He was a pilot and lived in Vegas.
I lived in Beverly Hills.
I pretty much moved in with him, even though that was against his beliefs.
We got pregnant and of course we were planning for eventually marriage etc.
He had a hard time making his own decisions.
Typical mommy's boy.
And oh my Lord, his family was overly judgmental.
I know, I know, they say that religious people usually are the biggest sinners.
Yes I am stereo typing, but stereo types are based on facts and who doesn't believe in facts?
One day he came back home from a flying trip and he had gotten a stomach bug from another pilot from the road.
He was so sick and crying like a little baby.
One night he had actually pooped in the bed.
Unfortunately he had given me that same stomach virus and for me that was dangerous because I was pregnant.
Needless to say, I lost my baby.
After this horrible experience we broke up.
To Be Continued.......

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Day 37: From The Beginning....

Of course I had to do something to make money and be able to live my life the way I wanted to live my life.
I gotta say that after everything I had been through, material things didn't impress me that much anymore.
I just wanted to live a simple life.
Yes, believe it or not that is possible in Beverly Hills 90210.
As I mentioned earlier in my story, I had moved to a studio on the same street Oakhurst Drive.
1 block away from The Four Seasons Hotel on Doheny Drive in Beverly Hills.
I really enjoyed my studio and just walked a lot during the day and read books.
I decided to AirBnB my studio as a host.
This means that I started to rent out my studio on a website called AirBnB, this is like a bed and breakfast site for all over the world.
The only dilemma was that I obviously needed to leave my studio whenever guests came over to stay in my studio.
The money was great and I had a lot of friends who were letting me crash on their couch or use their guest bedroom.
I was hoping and praying that eventually I would meet my 2nd soulmate and I would live with him while I was renting out my studio.
This is exactly what happened.
Before I met my 2nd soulmate I had to weed out a lot of bad guys, or how I like to say, I had to kiss some frogs to meet my Prince Charming.
But nothing good in life comes easy.
I really didn't want to live my life alone as a widow, so eventually I signed up for online dating sites.
And gosh, it wasn't an easy road.
I met some weird, weird ducks.
One guy, who didn't look like his pictures at all.
Another guy had a glass eye, and I didn't know where or how to look him in the eye because his one eye was just staring at me the whole time.
There was a guy who liked to play mental games.
Looking back now I know, that he was the one with the mental issues.
Every time when I got my hopes up, I found out that nobody was and would ever be like Erik.
Until one day.
To Be Continued........

Friday, November 11, 2016

Day 36: From The Beginning....

Yes I started reading books on Death because I had so many questions.
Where did Erik go? Did he feel any pain?
Where is he now? Does he have any emotions?
Can he see/hear me?
Of course, now I do have some of the answers.
But Death is like religion and politics, there are no answers.
I had to eventually just let it go.
Erik used to say: "It is what it is"
That's exactly what I started to use as my life moto.
Some things in life you can talk about till you're blue in the face but that won't change anything.

As you probably remember from earlier in my story I mentioned that I had a full time job at a gorgeous salon in Beverly Hills as a Front Desk Manager.
I did like my job but because I couldn't forget that I found out about Erik's death over there I had a very hard time going back there.
I did try several times but it always ended up in a cry fest.
Everyone there of course knew what had happened and they treated me so sweet and nice but I always felt like a victim over there and kind of like they were looking at me like: 'awww poor Anna"
It wasn't their fault, it was just all in my head.
Mentally and physically I just felt disabled to work.
I know this sounds so weak.
I have never been strong mentally.
I have never been able to control my emotions.
Kind of like a little kid, who gives into any feeling she gets and acts on it.
That's why I really needed to work on myself and be alone and find myself and read.
This is exactly what I did.
I hiked daily for exercise and to just get the endorphins going.
I didn't have a car because I sold Erik's work van.
I needed the money and couldn't drive that big van anyways.
So, daily I just stepped out of my studio in Beverly Hills and started walking.
Sometimes 2 hrs, sometimes more but at least 1 hr a day.
The walks really helped me clear my head.
I listened to free podcasts or music depending on my mood.
......To Be Continued.....

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Day 35: From The Beginning....

So I never told you guys & gals what I did with the ashes of my late hubby.
I had bought a beautiful urn and kept the urn near me in my home.
The other half of the ashes as promised I sent to his daughters in NY and I split my share with Erik's sister.
Yeah death doesn't sound like a bed of roses.
It was such a horrible experience.
People always talk about Karma but I don't know if I believe in that because please explain to me, how bad of a human must I have been to deserve a dead husband so young in life?
Or you think it was his Karma?
But that doesn't make sense either because he doesn't feel anything anymore so what punishment is that?
I don't know, there are so many questions surrounding death, but obviously as we all know, nobody has come back from the dead and told us just yet.
And no I am not talking about people who have been clinically dead because you can not dismiss the fact that hallucinations were not a big part of that.
You know there was a guy once who studied religion and he had so many questions.
Would you like to know where that guy is today?
In a mental institute.
Because sometimes there are no answers.
It is all about what you believe personally and this is all partly based on your life experiences.
And what you have trained your brain to believe.
As we all know, your brain is like a muscle and you gotta train it daily.

So here I am, a young widow living in Beverly Hills.
Back to the drawing board.
What did I want with my life?
Where did I see myself?
Problem is that my biggest dream in life was to be madly in love and married.
So, now that was over, my question to myself was: "Is this it?" "Am I gonna die a widow?"
"Am I gonna be a spinster?"
Okay first off, I had to get to know me all over again.
I started my journey to self discovery by reading books on death (what, you thought I moved on that fast???)
.......To Be Continued......

Monday, November 7, 2016

Day 34: From The Beginning....

The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with our loss.
Not everyone goes through all of them in a prescribed order.
Grief is as unique as we all are separately.
I vividly remember not wanting to wake up in the mornings because while I was sleeping I felt safe but when I was awake reality set in and it was all so hard to believe.
My landlord said one morning to me, while I was just roaming around crying in the yard: "Anna you can't continue crying and staying away from reality, because you won't make any friends like this being bitchy and miserable all the time, people don't know what has happened to you, it's not written on your forehead."
"So you better move on and put a smile on your face"
Also she said; "you can't bring him back"
She was so right, and I guess that's exactly what I needed.
I had to face some logistics as well.
I had a tiny bit of savings left and I had to move out of our place because I couldn't afford staying there by myself.
I did not want a roommate, I just needed to be by myself and working on myself.
I moved like 3 houses down into a studio.
Way cheaper and I loved it.
Let me let you in on another minor reality check.
Erik's ex-wife got a cool million dollars and I got zero but just lots of medical bills.
Erik and his ex-wife hated each other and that's an understatement.
But I never fought for money or over money.
I don't like confrontation and I really felt that it was fair for all of that to go to his kids.
Erik tried to switch his life insurance to me partly and the kids the other part.
But the account holder was his ex-wife.
She fought him for a lot of money throughout his lifetime and I really believe that added to his stress and you know what they say: "stress kills".
He used to be obese and he tried every diet in the book, and diet pills and personal trainers but to no avail.
I still believe his gastric bypass surgery and lap band and some plastic surgery was all a part of his health problems.
Would you believe that all the patients who were part of that same study/surgery he was a part of in NY Presbyterian hospital passed away?
......To Be Continued.....

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Day 33: From The Beginning.....

Yes looking back I still can not believe that I actually went through this and still came out alive & kicking.
What I mean by this is that it was very very hard and I somehow managed to get through this dark time without meds and/or a shrink.
I did take some over the counter sleeping pills from Holland but stopped very quickly with that because I am just not a fan of any meds for that matter.
Also I did see a shrink for a tiny bit but wasn't really seeing any results.
I remember she was a very pretty blonde lady and I always asked her about her day/life because it just feels selfish to only talk about me, but of course she couldn't disclose anything about herself because thats her job.
I'm always looking to make friends.

Okay here we go lets get back to the story.
I got my dead husband's ashes handed to me in a see through plastic bag and it was heavy.
Of course I had to stick my hand in the bag and it just felt weird, with hard pieces in there like burned ashes.
I remember crying like a baby.
Things were getting so real and definite.
I know, I know...Duh Death is real but in my naive mind now there was no body for Erik anymore.
Which of course is reality but I secretly hoped that he would come back.
We left the funeral home and Miranda drove my mom and I and Erik's ashes to Malibu to walk on the beach and just cry and maybe spread the ashes in the ocean.
I wasn't ready to let go of my ashes.
We walked and I cried and cried and cried.
Those tears did not end for a long time.
You would think I'm out of tears by now. But no such luck. Now I just cry over silly stuff because honestly I have nothing to cry about in my life right now.
Oh how much I just want to talk about my life right now at this very moment because its so much easier and happier to talk about but I gotta finish the story first.
So after our long walk on the beach, Miranda dropped my mom and I off at home in Beverly Hills.
That night of course I slept with my dead husband's ashes and plenty nights after.
......To Be Continued......