Monday, November 7, 2016

Day 34: From The Beginning....

The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with our loss.
Not everyone goes through all of them in a prescribed order.
Grief is as unique as we all are separately.
I vividly remember not wanting to wake up in the mornings because while I was sleeping I felt safe but when I was awake reality set in and it was all so hard to believe.
My landlord said one morning to me, while I was just roaming around crying in the yard: "Anna you can't continue crying and staying away from reality, because you won't make any friends like this being bitchy and miserable all the time, people don't know what has happened to you, it's not written on your forehead."
"So you better move on and put a smile on your face"
Also she said; "you can't bring him back"
She was so right, and I guess that's exactly what I needed.
I had to face some logistics as well.
I had a tiny bit of savings left and I had to move out of our place because I couldn't afford staying there by myself.
I did not want a roommate, I just needed to be by myself and working on myself.
I moved like 3 houses down into a studio.
Way cheaper and I loved it.
Let me let you in on another minor reality check.
Erik's ex-wife got a cool million dollars and I got zero but just lots of medical bills.
Erik and his ex-wife hated each other and that's an understatement.
But I never fought for money or over money.
I don't like confrontation and I really felt that it was fair for all of that to go to his kids.
Erik tried to switch his life insurance to me partly and the kids the other part.
But the account holder was his ex-wife.
She fought him for a lot of money throughout his lifetime and I really believe that added to his stress and you know what they say: "stress kills".
He used to be obese and he tried every diet in the book, and diet pills and personal trainers but to no avail.
I still believe his gastric bypass surgery and lap band and some plastic surgery was all a part of his health problems.
Would you believe that all the patients who were part of that same study/surgery he was a part of in NY Presbyterian hospital passed away?
......To Be Continued.....

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