Friday, November 11, 2016

Day 36: From The Beginning....

Yes I started reading books on Death because I had so many questions.
Where did Erik go? Did he feel any pain?
Where is he now? Does he have any emotions?
Can he see/hear me?
Of course, now I do have some of the answers.
But Death is like religion and politics, there are no answers.
I had to eventually just let it go.
Erik used to say: "It is what it is"
That's exactly what I started to use as my life moto.
Some things in life you can talk about till you're blue in the face but that won't change anything.

As you probably remember from earlier in my story I mentioned that I had a full time job at a gorgeous salon in Beverly Hills as a Front Desk Manager.
I did like my job but because I couldn't forget that I found out about Erik's death over there I had a very hard time going back there.
I did try several times but it always ended up in a cry fest.
Everyone there of course knew what had happened and they treated me so sweet and nice but I always felt like a victim over there and kind of like they were looking at me like: 'awww poor Anna"
It wasn't their fault, it was just all in my head.
Mentally and physically I just felt disabled to work.
I know this sounds so weak.
I have never been strong mentally.
I have never been able to control my emotions.
Kind of like a little kid, who gives into any feeling she gets and acts on it.
That's why I really needed to work on myself and be alone and find myself and read.
This is exactly what I did.
I hiked daily for exercise and to just get the endorphins going.
I didn't have a car because I sold Erik's work van.
I needed the money and couldn't drive that big van anyways.
So, daily I just stepped out of my studio in Beverly Hills and started walking.
Sometimes 2 hrs, sometimes more but at least 1 hr a day.
The walks really helped me clear my head.
I listened to free podcasts or music depending on my mood.
......To Be Continued.....

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