Day 32: From The Beginning.....

I realize now that I really don't like to write about this.

It still hurts and I rather lay it to rest.

But I don't really have a problem talking about it because my dear 2nd husband now tells me sometimes I talk about it too much till this day.

Which at times hurts his feelings and that is the last thing I want to do.

We all live our lives in a way to make sure that we are happy and comfortable but we don't realize that at times by doing so this makes other people uncomfortable.

We all gotta make an effort to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and look at ourselves from an outsiders point of view.

This is super hard and every day I am still working on this.

But as long as we learn every day we grow and that's what matters.

Okay back to the story.

I was at CVS getting some necessities and I got a phone call from The Funeral Home telling me I had to make a decision what to do with my husband's dead body.

I said: "Can't we keep him on ice in the fridge?' (you know where they keep the dead bodies before burying them or cremating).

Of course, the answer was no.

So out of respect for Erik I followed the wishes of his 2 daughters.

The girls wanted me to cremate him, so they could get half of his ashes.

Not much later I got a phone call saying that I could come and pick up my husband's ashes.

Miranda, one of my best girlfriend's in California and my mother (who came to be with me from Holland) joined me.

Miranda drove and my mom sat next to her in the passengers seat and I sat in the back.

This is where shit got real.

After walking in and sitting down at the Funeral home.

I got handed a big clear bag (like a clear ziplock bag) with sand in it.

First I was gonna say: "what is this?' but of course I realized that was what was left of my dead husband.

.......To Be Continued....

Day 31: From The Beginning.....

From here on my memory is a bit vague.

Leaving the hospital without Erik felt super strange.

Knowing but not believing that I would never see him again was again very foreign to me.

As I can recall correctly Batia (my boss and friend from the salon), took me back to her gorgeous home.

I remember taking a very long hot bubble bath and just crying a lot.

Batia took me to the job site where he died a little after that.

The home owners showed me exactly where it all happened and they even showed me the dry blood on the ground from where his head hit the ground.

The home owners had their little child playing around while they were showing me around and I remember feeling sorry for that little child because she had to grow up in a house where a man died.

Of course realistically we all have lived and live in homes where someone must have died, that's just life.

Looking back on these moments now I can honestly say that I was never fully present.

I was going through the motions of life but never really slept good and as a result that made me feel like I was going through a daze daily.

I stayed for a few days at Batia's house but then I felt strong enough to go back to "our" house (meaning Erik's and mine).

Elizabeth, a very dear friend of mine whom I had known pretty much since the time I moved to America picked me up and took me there.

She walked with me through the house and helped me with some logistics I had to take care of.

Of course now I was going to be bombarded with medical bills and funeral arrangements etc etc.

Decisions I did not want to make but I had to do it.

I remember The Coroner's office kept calling me to ask me what I wanted to do with Erik's body.

They had to wait for my order to cremate or to burry.

Gosh, this was so incredible hard to decide.

I didn't want them to burn his body because I felt he could still wake up.

I know, I know....what a ridiculous and silly thought.

But I felt like once his body was gone, burned it would be all over.

I wasn't ready to let go....

....To Be Continued......

Day 30: From The Beginning.....

So, I woke up in this gorgeous home of my sweet boss Batia, to a phone call from the hospital saying your husband is gone, his mother pulled the plug.

I still to this day can't believe these words and can't imagine that's my life I'm talking about.

Yes I did not want to pull the plug myself and it had to be done because he was already brain dead and there was no more hope.

I do believe it was the right thing to do to let his mother take that action.

Batia and her husband had been there for me from the very beginning.

They drove me back to the hospital.

Now, this was a very weird sight when we walked in to Erik's room and the bed was empty.

I understand of course they had to dispose of his dead body but it still felt very painful to me.

Now the reality is setting in that I will never ever see my husband again.

Gosh the pain was almost unbearable.

They were asking me in the hospital what I wanted to do with my husbands dead body.

His daughters had asked me if we could cremate so they could have some of their father's ashes.

Erik was Jewish and in the Jewish religion they don't believe in cremation.

But I have to admit Erik was more of a "convenient Jew" (meaning he didn't practice) and those were his words.

So I had to listen to his daughters and respect their wishes. Erik was at the Coroner's office because I asked for an autopsy.

That's another weird thought that was going on in my head, now someone is cutting open my poor husband because of course I had to research everything on what that entailed.

The conclusion was that he died from a heart attack at 42 years young. 

I still can not believe these words.

From the Coroner's office they put his body on ice until I give orders to cremate or whatever I (his wife) decides.

Wow! The power a wife has right?!

This power is no fun but as Erik would always say when he was alive; "It is what it is".

I remember he also always said: "Hurry up & lets get moving, you can sleep when you die"

I guess be careful what you say in life.

Your words are powerful!

.....To Be Continued.....

Day 29: From The Beginning....

I decided to get some rest after not having slept for 3 days straight.

Or actually my sweetheart boss and her hubby instructed me to leave the ICU and come home with them to freshen up and get some sleep.

I was in a total daze.

I was just going through the motions.

You know how loss and grieving has 5 stages.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

But grief is as unique as you are.

We all grief differently.

I was definitely going through denial.

This was just a crazy nightmare and my husband would wake up and we would go home together and live happily ever after.

In the meantime I left him in his coma because all the doctors told me he was never going to wake up again.

It was now up to me to permanently end his journey on this planet and pull the plug.

I am a very big procrastinator and avoid confrontation at all cost.

I left to let his mother and kids have alone time with him.

Little did I know that his mother took the power in her hands.

I can't blame her and I actually think she did me a favor by doing "my dirty work" for me.

Also I fully realize that she put him into this world so she had the power to take him out.

She pulled the plug while I was gone.

Erik's mother and his kids stayed at a hotel and I never saw them.

I could't face them, I just needed to be alone.

They wanted to stay at our house but the thought of having others sleep where Erik slept and/or walk where he took his last steps made me nauseous. I know that sounds silly but in my mind that's all I had left of him.

Gosh I haven't cried or got teary eyed for a long time but now while writing this I can feel these horrible feelings again.

......To Be Continued....

Day 28: From The Beginning.....

Gosh, I didn't realize how hard it is to write about this and kind of re-live it all.

Now I notice that I pushed some old feelings aside.

I might have blocked memories and thoughts from that dark time.

It is weird because looking back its hard to recall some memories.

Okay let me get back to where I left off.

All the doctors said there was no hope.

No brain surgery was possible because he came in to the hospital brain dead already.

This is what might have happened.

Of course I don't have any facts because I wasn't there when it happened.

He went to work, he was a contractor in residential construction for his own business.

The job site was in Culver City CA.

At a female doctor's house.

He parked his work van in front of the house and he started to set up his tools in the back of the house.

He got a seizure and he tried to get to the work van to grab his sugar pills but he tripped and fell and got no air.

He was laying down in the grass face down for a while before the neighbor saw him.

Now it was already too late.

You know without oxygen for too long you become brain dead.

The neighbor ran to him and tried mouth to mouth etc and called 911.

Now the medics tried everything as well but it was all too late.

When I saw him in the hospital he was in a coma but without any of these machines he was gone.

So after 3 days they told me as his wife I should pull the plug.

I didn't know that I had that kind of power/control/responsibility as a wife.

I couldn't do it.

First off his daughters and sisters and parents needed to be able to fly in and say goodbye, at least that's what I thought.

His mother agreed to fly his daughters from NY to CA.

Mind you Erik didn't get along with his mother at all.

But in my mind that wasn't my place to bring up or discuss at all.

She was his mother and gave birth to him etc, so I really felt she needed to be able to say goodbye to her son.

Of course his daughters were the most important to say their goodbye's to their daddy.

.......To Be Continued......

Day 27: From The Beginning....

Finally they let me see him and let me tell you, it wasn't a nice sight.
He looked horrible, exactly how they show you in the movies.
He was pale like a skeleton, and he had tubes everywhere.
Now I am asking over and over....:'Why him?"
And then I asked: "Why me?, what did I do or didn't do to deserve this?"
Is this my Karma or his Karma?
Oh Lord can I just tell you, what I saw you would not wish upon your worst enemy.
He was 42 years young.
A very hard worker.
A loving dad.
A loving son.
A loving brother.
A loving husband.
All gone!
For 3 days I was hoping, wishing, praying for a miracle.
There was a social worker who tried to tell me nicely that my husband was dead the minute he arrived to the hospital.
I was of course in denial.
I even posted pictures on Facebook on my wall and other people's wall, how rude could I have been?
Misery definitely needs company.
For 3 days I stayed by his side and held his hand and I did not sleep, eat, drink or anything.
I so remember how excited I got when Erik went number 2 in the bed, I was like, Yeah! his organs are still working, so he is still alive!
But no, now I know it meant that his organs were shutting down one by one.
Gosh I was thinking like, I will be happy with my husband as a vegetable because that is better than death.
Finally they did a brain scan and they said there is no brain activity left.
I asked if we could do brain surgery but no, it was too late fore that.
....To Be Continued......

Day 26: From The Beginning.....

I listened to my voicemails and the first one said: "your husband had a heart attack"

Now they never hung up the phone when they left me this message, so I heard everything what was going on in the background.

Lots of commotion and I remember them saying: "I think we lost him"

So looking back they must have been working on him while someone else left me this message.

I also got a phone call from Erik's ex-wife in NY because they must have called her first, maybe because in Erik's phone he had his ex-wife's number programmed under "Kids Home".

His daughters lived with their mom in NY.

We lived in Beverly Hills CA.

I was so confused and thought to myself, Erik had another seizure and he will be just fine.

He did say in the morning before he left for work that his neck and his back were hurting.

I told him to go to the doctor but he said, no we have no insurance so lets wait.

I told my boss at the salon about the messages and she immediately called her husband who is a doctor, to come pick me up and take me to the hospital.

I only had my pink bicycle with me parked outside the salon.

My boss her husband was there in no time and we rushed to the hospital.

He instructed me to not sign any paperwork and to not say a word.

Because we all know whatever you say might be used against you later.

Also you can easily sign your life away when you sign hospital papers.

That was really the best advice ever.

We got there and of course the first thing they asked me to do was sign lots of papers and ask me lots of questions.

They wouldn't even let me see him for a while.

I kept refusing to sign and to answer questions and I insisted I wanted to see my husband.

I so remember the very first thing they asked me was: "Will you donate your husband's organs?"

.....To Be Continued......